If you’d like to make an easier lasagna for one, have I got the lasagna for you. Of course, you can’t use the excuse that you’re crying because you’re cutting onions because it’s only microwaveable, but I found you this awesome Chef Boyardee Twelve-Pack, so try to be a little more appreciative. For only 15.96, you can spend twelve lonely nights being well-fed, and emotionally eat your problems away. Buy them today!

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Welcome to the introspective Frodo, the non-action-hero Frodo. Welcome to “Frodo with a journal.”  The good news? It’s only 2.99. The bad news? It’s not even remotely badass. Click here to buy the product. It just made me think of Bret McKenzie, the calmer and more relaxed side of Frodo. Fantasize about him by owning this figure. Sorry for the short post, but it’s Easter. So yeah, happy Easter. I’m off to see my family!

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If you’re like Mel and want to believe that you have a resemblance to Liv Tyler, have I got the product for you! It’s the Arwen Evenstar Pendant!! Sure, maybe it’s only 9.99 and the pendant is plastic, but you need to save money for all the dates you’ll be going on with all the hot nerdy guys that will know what this necklace is from and find you attractive the second they lay eyes on it. Basically, the price is my way of doing you a favor. Click here to purchase this item from Amazon!

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Okay, I wasn’t planning on having another merch item so soon, but honestly, I couldn’t resist, and I didn’t want to wait to post this in case I forgot. Whilst I was searching for kiwi pictures on flickr, I came across a picture of Kiwi Jam, and I was all “Quoi?” So I thought I’d scour the internet for a place to purchase said kiwi jam, and here it is! Yes, it may look like ants are crawling all over your food, but perhaps that will deter the real ants, or your rotten roommates that keep stealing your toast in the morning while you’re still brushing your hair and getting ready. Click here to purchase the jam, and look at the image above to decide if you can actually stomach it.

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I was just, really, exceedingly touched by how connected Bret was to the stuffed squirrel during his 1/16th of an acid trip, so I thought if you wanted to go on the same adventure (which I do not condone in any way….shame on you), or pretend that you did, you’d want your very own squirrel. Make sense?

Click here to purchase the squirrel. It’s quite lifelike, only 8.99, and, um, verified to freak you out if you are, er, altered in any way? Maybe? I’m not sure, I have not been altered in that fashion, or have I owned a stuffed squirrel, so I guess you’re on your own on this one.

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Okay, so I lied, just leather pants. Funny as it may seem, every time I typed in “leather suit,” I got these semi-erotic leather catsuits or some weird biking gear or something like that. I was having a problem finding suits that seemed like the ones on Episode 9, buuuut I did find these sweet leather pants on Amazon. (legs not included)

Click here to buy the pants. They are 74.95, not bad for leather pants. Just make sure they don’t shrink, and you should be pretty much set!

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Okay, this one was kind of weak, but I’m gonna have two merch items. This one is just for the ladies! (All the beautiful ladies in the world…oh wait…that’s next week, haha)

Anyway, click here if you’d like to take a peek at the merch item on Amazon. It is sterling silver, is movable, has a black cord, and all of that is in the title of the item: “Movable Sterling Silver Sea Nymph Mermaid Pendant on Black Cord Necklace.” I think I know exactly what they’re selling, you know? And that’s always the confusing part, because they don’t, like, have a picture or anything. Oh wait, they do. Well, anyway, it’s a neat pendent, I guess. It sells for thirty bucks, so yeah, if mermaids are your thing, I’d say this was a pretty decent purchase.

Listen, I know that the reference is a stretch, but when I saw the title of this item, I really couldn’t resist. Could you?

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Now, for all of the things you can get this design on, click here. I just thought I’d post one as an example. How better to display your love for the French versions of Bret and Jemaine than by getting a shirt that says “Baguette” on it? I really can’t think of a better way, and if you can…well, good for you. You’re one step ahead of me. I salute thee.

Anyway, get this awesome shirt. It has a picture of a baguette on it and you will be ridiculously funny and awe-inspiring in my eyes for all of my days to come if you purchase it and send me a picture of you wearing it….especially if it’s in France, bcause you’ve got to have extra guts to wear it there. Enjoy!

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I really really REALLY couldn’t resist this book. I really feel that it’s something that Bret and Jemaine need to help them see how they can flip the bird, and also that it in fact does not look like a bird, but it’s good old-fashioned American tradition, dangnabit! That should be good enough reason for anyone to do it, right?

Shakespeare had the biting of the thumb. Some people spit to show disgust. Others do that fist thing like you see in Mean Girls. Or there’s that thing on Friends where they give the finger without actually giving the finger. You know what I’m talking about, right? Anyway, nothing is so traditional, so offensive, as flipping the bird.

If you’d like to buy the book, click here for its Amazon. page. It’s only 9.95, so quite the steal, in my opinion. I mean, you get 101 ways to flip the bird. Totally awesome.

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This particular piece of merch I picked for one reason and one reason only: The scarves featured on the site were out-of-stock. But seriously, it’s still a really cool shirt, and it says “Changes” on it, and I love that song, and also they play homage to that song in their song “Bowie,” so there’s the crossover. It is heinously expensive because it is actual memorabilia, 50 dollars for those of you in the US, but hey, maybe it’s worth it to you. I’m just gonna post a picture of one of the scarves below because I liked them way better, but alas, out of stock. Better luck next time, I guess.

Now that you’ve seen the scarf, I know you want it, don’t lie. Pray for all of us that it becomes available again. Nonetheless, visit the David Bowie Megastore for all your tightly-pansted and outrageously cool needs!

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